The Spirit cries, "Abba, Father!"

My spirit continues to cry out the Truth. That's what it does. The spirit of God speaks the Truth to us. It is our wise counselor. My spirit is wrestling within me when I'm not choosing to follow in the Lord's ways. Today, I fell to justisfying myself on a decision I made, even though I promised my husband I wouldn't. I feel awful. I feel sinful. I feel like I can't escape myself. It's so discouraging. I feel so foolish and unwise. I can't believe God loves me in the midst of all this. I want to love Jesus more. I want to love myself less. I need help even doing this. I can't muster up enough strength to get myself boosted up in loving him. And honestly, I know that I suffer far greatly in thinking it's all about me loving Him. But it's really about HIM loving ME. My failures sidetrack my vision into thinking it's about me earning my way into the Father's heart. It's truly a supernatural and awesome thing to be loved by this Almighty God. My heart cries out, "Abba, Father! Save me from my selfishness. I know that I just made a decision that goes against your heart for me. You love me; you want me to follow your glorious plan for me." Thank you Spirit. Thank you for your counsel and for revealing the Father's heart. Right now, in the residue of my rebellion that is going to produce for me consequences that I don't desire, thank you for loving me still Lord. You are truly a God worthy of praise because of your forgiveness, your powerful love, and unending faithfulness.

Learning from others

I want to learn from:

• Cindy Kessler: how to be a supportive and submissive wife amidst uncertainity in life, how to home school children effectively, how to keep a personal relationship with Jesus alive while managing a home.
• Holly Southerland: how to walk intimately with Jesus as a friend, brother, and King, how to allow God to take me on a grand adventure through faith, how to be creative for the Kingdom.
• Neva Lund: how to joyfully stay youthful throughout life (the woman did the cha cha slide at our wedding!), how to encourage, support and love as if you are family.
• Beth Gowen: how to be in love and hot for my husband even when I'm older! They can't keep their hands off each other.
• Kyndall Rutherford: how to appreciate and love the Body of Christ for its beautiful purpose in God's plan for glorifying himself, how to be sincere in rejoicing with others as God does great things their lives.
• Courtney Gainer: to have a heart of genuine care and concern for the poor and needy both in physical & spiritual senses to the point it causes me to pray and react in meeting needs.

Reflections on Marriage

Things I am called to do and be faithful in:

• The Covenant of faithfulness to my husband- Malachi 2:13-15
• To take care of my family using my gifts and talents to help make and keep our home well managed- Proverbs 31 & 1 Timothy 3:12
• To show reverence, respect for my husband no matter what – Proverbs 31:23 & Ephesians 5:33
• To give myself wholly to my husband out of love, selflessness, and for protection from the enemy’s schemes – 1 Corinthians 7:3-5
• To submit to my husband in everything – Ephesians 5:22-24
• To fear God alone, not giving way to fear of the unknown for my life, marriage, and family– 1 Peter 3:5

I am called to be a faithful servant to the Lord as I watch for His return. I am not called to be successful but to be faithful. Matthew 24: 45-51

Marriage is an earthly gift. It is given as a tool and help for sharing and spreading God’s gospel message to the world. It is also for creating Godly legacies and for creating the wonderful unit: the family. Marriage is supposed to mirror our union and oneness with Christ that we will experience one day. Marriage is to represent a better marriage yet to come. For this reason, we will not be given into marriage in the end days, because our glorious marriage will be with Christ himself. There will be no need for marriage amongst His people. He will be my husband. He will be the most perfect, wonderful, glorious, and sweet husband anyone has ever had!

Patience vs. Critical Spirit

"Patience and a critical spirit are mutually exclusive. Even when your complaints are justified, patience pushes and pulls you toward forgiving and forgetting: “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11 NIV)...Patience frees us to develop godly diversity in our relationships, where we no longer require everyone to act and look and think the same way we do." --Jon Walker in Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotionals.

Man I totally have a critical spirit so many times. I catch myself thinking the worst of people or sneering at decisions with piousness or thinking of just how much that person needs to grow. How hidious of me! I hate seeing my arrogance, my smugness. I really feel like this is such a true saying above: that patience and a critical spirit are mutally exclusive. Right at the time that I am not being patient with Andrew is when I hear myself saying things that puff me up and put him down in my mind, rather than receiving who he is, as is, with thankfullness and gratitude. I believe that my way and who I am is way cooler than how they do things or who they are. I always paint myself to be far more "put together" than reality shows. Wow! I need grace in this area.

Father,
You love us all, even despite our failings or malnourished areas. Forgive me for puffing myself up as more worthy of love and mercy than others; forgive me for thinking thoughts that go against your thoughts towards those you love. Help me to be truly and completely humble and to think of myself with sober judgement. Allow this to spur me to greater long suffering in patience with those you love. Thank you that you hear this cry. Change my heart O God to look like yours.

Encounters with Death

In the past six months, I have had several people, who have been involved in my life at one point or another, die. First was my friend John Schuessler, a good buddy from freshmen year of college. He was spunky, zealous for Jesus, and such a good friend to all. Then was my beloved grandfather, Pop, who with his crazy lip movements, Donald Duck voice, amazing skilled hands, and love for his family blessed my heart tremedously. His departure still makes me tearful as I miss him so much. Finally I find out today that my long time hair dresser, Stephanie Zinn, from back home passed away in an unusual accident.

Honestly, I knew somewhere in my spirit that God was softly leading me to prepare myself for dealing with death. I hate that death is scary for me; I know that I will be in Heaven with Jesus because of His promises to me, but dying still frightens me a little. I really want to look death fearlessly in the face with hope. We sing of death having no sting or victory. I still can't wrap my mind around death having no sting.

The issue of death more importantly brings up the topic of where our soul rests or doesn't rest for eternity. I am thankful for peace when a fellow brother or sister in Christ passes, and respectfully so when I have questions or doubts about that person's salvation. It's at the time of wondering where that person is after death that really snags me up. Hell is not some tright mythical place, but a serious consequence to sin unpaid for.

I am thankful to Jesus for His salvation available to all who call on His name in repetenance. I am also thankful for the trial of watching loved ones die, reminding me the unknowable time frames for each of us and for the sweet tender voice of Jesus asking us to make disciples of all people so that they will rest with him for eternity. It helps remind me to make the most of every opportunity.

Beautiful Grandpa

My Pop was a wonderful man. It's so strange to think that we won't see him ever again on this earth. I'm thankful to have known him well past my teenage years. I thankful he met my fiance and that he was so excited about marrying us. Our family loved so many things about him.

• The way he was always optimistic and cheerful.
  
• How he never complained about his sufferings or his pain to us. He was always excited to see us.
• He was so much fun, silly and would crack some of the dumbest jokes. Small tears would form around his eyes and his face would scrunch up like it was hurting too much to laugh so hard.
  
• He could make anything beautiful. The Creator allowed him to be a creator. Wood, stain glass, painting, scrim shaw, etc. The man did everything crafty and succeed.
  
• Making up songs was a favorite past time. They usually didn't make a whole lot of sense, were usually about one of the grandchildren and made everyone laugh. Pop was also a wonderful singer.
• He loved to sing hymns and would get teary eyed as he sang the powerful lyrics.
  
• Pop reflected Christ well to us.
  
• He loved well and wasn't quick to judge but wanted to really get to know people.
  
• He was bold in his faith and purposeful with his spheres of influence.
• How he taught us patience in life just through his love for carving, which took much patience. He said that to see the external glory takes time.
  
• How he came to our ball games and was so excited to see us afterward to tell us well done.
  
• Racing down the hall way in his wheelchair in the hospital.
  
• Loving Nana, Mom, and Uncle Mark so sweetly and faithfully.
• His wisdom.

I am thankful that Jesus Christ is real. He does give eternal life through faith in Him by His grace. Faced with the sorrow of loosing someone dear, I am thankful that God is true to His Word. We really do get to go be with Him in paradise and see Him seated on the throne with angels and all the saints surrounding Him. Hallelujah to the Lord! even in the midst of suffering and pain. He is always worthy of praise!

Old Scholarship Essays

I was cleaning out my computer space and discovered these old scholarship essays I had written. I wanted somewhere to store them so I could delete them from my computer. So here they are!

I am the oldest of four children in my household so there is always a ruckus. My mom crazily put me at the head of all this mess! Don't get me wrong there are moments of pure bliss but then there are times that I wish I could just strangle my brothers and sister's neck. I have been raised to the phrase "Love thy neighbor as thy self." I guess you cannot get any more neighborly than sharing the same toothpaste, shower, space, and dirty smells, huh. Growing up with many sibilings has not been a walk in the park to say the least. Since I'm the oldest I have a role to play; my two brothers and sister look up to me. I have often wondered how I can set a good example for them when I myself am learning to cope in this world. I have no secrets to life. I am a 18-year-old girl trying to make it through high school, learning to love, and finding out in many different ways what it means to treat everyone as equals. Every move I make, every step I take, will be mirrored one day, I know, in some form or fashion. I have this terrible fear that some of my actions will catch up with me. Not to say that I have things to be ashamed of but not every wrinkle has been ironed out yet. I will try though, as hard as I can to show them what a woman of God should look like, not perfect, but fervent. Fervent to do her Heavenly Father's will, fervent to not give up and to not let bad situations get her down. I will strive to be a good example for the next generation and for my siblings who I love unconditionally.

Growing up I was always taught to strive for success in everything. No matter if it was simply cleaning the house, Mom and Dad set out to instill in their children the value of goal setting and hard work. I never understood why it was so important to strive for perfection. Couldn't we just push stuff under the bed or make things just look okay? It wasn't until my eighth grade year that I began to see the method to my parents' madness. Waiting for high school was torment enough, but adding to that was the thought of harder work and bigger kids. Getting through the first couple of days wasn't as hard as I thought, yet the work was regretfully up to par. I couldn't have survived without my loving parents by my side. Dad helped me with math and geometry while Mom helped with history and English. My gratitude to them is immeasurable, because they are the ones who got me through and pushed me to succeed in every aspect of my life, showing me why you had to work hard for achievement. Besides academics, athletics was important to me as well. For being such a tall and lanky girl, I was afraid of not doing so well in the athletic field; however, Mom and Dad were again right there rooting me on to letter in three Varsity sports.

Around my junior year my parents began to question me about college. I was taken back by how soon this decision had snuck up on me. Of course I had thought about college, but now it was scary visualizing me—all alone, somewhere far away, and all that stress and work piled on! To ease my pain, I started bombarding my parents for answers about what college was like—was it fun?, scary?, was there a lot of work involved? Their answer was yes to all of them; however, I didn't feel terrified any longer, for something inside of me told me to remember that if my parents had gone ahead of me and survived, than I would too. The impact that their support had on me throughout high school gave me enough reason to trust them, allowing them to guide me into the next step of my education. In fact, they have excited me so much about being a woman of knowledge that I cannot wait till I am on my own proving myself to my fellow peers and home town. I am also excited about attending A&M due to my parents' passion for education and tradition that I know also exists at College Station. They have taught me so much over the years that I will never forget and use everyday in college like: determination, perseverance, time management, and goal setting. I will especially not forget their pursuit to give me deep educational roots and their persistent help and love throughout my life.