Halleljuah! We Are On Our Way to God

I know the Lord is near to me. As I sat there, there He was like a rushing wind and powerful voice, with strong hands lifting my face, stating so firmly and fiercely yet with such care and tenderness, "Look at me. Look at me, Amanda... Look into my face; right now, turn.. towards...me. Keep your eyes on me. Look at me. " I knew I would loose the battle if I didn't look at him. I knew if I took my eyes off Him and put them on me, I was going to get hurt. So I looked. And He was peaceful, yet fearful to look at and I knew my heart was held in His hands. My insides were screaming, "Help me Lord! Help me!" I know I will make this about me. Yet He is the strongest, even more than my will and flesh. Powerfully He helped me today. Powerfully He is my refuge, a hiding place for my soul. I ran to Him, begging Him to help me. He spoke, "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me. For I am gentle and humble in heart." Then my mind raced to the conversation Courtney and I had last night: The tabernacle was made with giant white linen sheets and the tops of the posts were silver and the bottoms were bronze; the bronze represented the refinement coupled with the silver symbolizing redemption which provided the the right mix in order to enter the holy of holies. Therefore, he reminded me, I must go through refinement to enter. The spiritual act of worship for me is to offer my body as a living sacrifice to him. It is not my fleshly desire to deny myself tangible pleasure, nor is it fun to have to think cautiously through interactions, but I need to offer my self up as worship to him. This is refinement for me.

I was and am quieted by the impacts of our sin. Though we are forgiven and given grace by our Lord, scares and consequences are not deleted. It is in view of God's mercy that I must offer my body as a living sacrifice. Because he rescued me from horrible things of my past, shameful things, sinful acts, I must be disciplined now, shielded now, sprint to Him now, and sacrifice now. He saved me and now He will be my counselor. He will train and teach. He will ask me to learn from Him in the areas which were disasterous for my soul, which will require sacrifice. In view of His mercy, it will be pleasurable. In view of His love, it will be glorious.

Surrounded by hope and peace. He's near me. He loves us. I am sure of those things. My heart is in the hands of the King. And there is peace when starring into His face. Honestly, I just wanted to go to Heaven. I saw as I looked into His eyes that he was going to be refining me today, but I so desperately wanted to be with Him right then and there. I knew it would be safe with Him. My heart knows I will be secure in Him, when my eyes are seeking Him first. O Lord, let me trust you to be my portion forever. His peace is intoxicating and like a drug, addicting. I want this my whole life. Never leave me Lord I pray. Uphold me by your right hand. It is strong. Halleljuah!! We are on our way to God. Praise His holy hand. Praise His blessed face. All who gather at His feet bow low before Him for He alone is worthy.

Recent Happenings

I feel I haven't shared much on my blog in a while and wanted to add some updates on it for anyone who desires to see what's going on in my life.

Several beautiful blessings that God has given to me as of late:

• A beautiful hearted man to begin to know and walk with, whose passion is Jesus Christ to be known in all the world. The love of his life is Jesus Christ. He is super goofy and I love hanging out with him. He makes Jesus more beautiful as I watch his walk with the Master. I am thankful for his friendship.
• A house filled with God-fearing women. They love the Lord, love serving him, are caring, sharing, and kind hearted. I'm so thankful for each one of them and how unique they are in the Body.
  
• A wonderful job!! I'm so thankful I get to stand outside for hours, encouraged to pray, talk with other staff about the Lord and learn how to love them well, and to see him sustain me even though it's physically exhausting at times.
  
• Teaching 3rd and 4th grade girls at Pioneers! I have a great time learning to teach children the Word. It's challenging but good. I need patience and understanding on how to teach them well as they begin to learn biblical truths.
  
• Meetings with ladies! I get to meet with Miriela still this year and we will be going through a chronological study of the Bible. I'm excited to see how God reveals himself to her and to watch how he draws her heart nearer to him. She is a precious and special friend. I also get to meet with Joelle once a week and talk about life and encourage her. She blesses me a lot. I can't wait to see what God does in her life.
  
• A new journey that is heading me towards major change: graduation and the "real world." I know that the Lord has already gone before me and prepared exactly what he desires for me. I pray I would walk hand in hand with him actively seeking His direction and guidance.

I read this verse the other day and I love it: "As they make music they will sing,
"All my fountains are in you." Psalm 87:7

I desire for all my fountains that satisfy me to be in Christ alone. He alone is worthy to receive my heart completely. I pray he gushes in every area of my life.

Do I really believe you Lord?

If this is really what I say it is, this thing called amazing grace, then why am I scared at the thought of standing up in a store and proclaiming Christ to on lookers? If I believe Jesus when he says that his blood cleanses every sin and for every person, why do I still love my sin and hate giving it up deep inside? I'm frustrated with my own lack of faith. The more I press into Christ the more I realize I have nothing to offer back to him. Even when I try to pursue righteousness, I become self-righteous so many times. I feel like a fake and a phony. I want faith to match the level of grace I've received. Lord, grant me a willing and steadfast spirit of faith that tells of your greatness amongst all people. Every time I begin to look at my own lack of faith, you remind me of where my hope comes from. My hope is the Sovereign Lord: Jesus Christ. Psalm 39:7 says, "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you. " When I look around at my own abilities I have to say, "what do I look for? I don't have anything to give you! All I have is you. You are my only hope for becoming like you. I need you to love you!" I am grateful and still frustrated. I want faith Father! Give me faith!

Fake Hair

So yesterday I spent a couple of hours putting on attachments. Yeah, for at least a few weeks I have straight hair. Just another great adventure of trying something new. Actually this is probably one of the only times I could have done this, seeing as how expensive it is in the states. The process of weaving hair is so cool. After braiding all my hair into corn rows tightly to my scalp, they sew the weave on (fake hair) onto the braids with a needle and thread. I feel like I'm wearing a wig! It's so fun though. I felt even more Nigerian afterwords and everyone seems to agree that it looks alright. haha. Who would have thought? Lindsay says I look like Bob Marley sort of without dreads. My first thought was that I look like the Adams family wife. I don't have any way of putting up a picture yet, but when I get home you'll all get to see me in my African glory! :D

Dari

I just sat there holding his hand. My metal chair was placed right next to his and we just sat, the two of us joined by the white little earphone pieces spanning from our two ears. We listened. Chris Tomlin was singing "Mighty is the Power of the Cross." I have always loved that song ever since last summer, but now it had more meaning than ever before.

Dari is blind. I don't know if he can see a little or at all. I'm drawn to him by his sweet smile everytime I greet him. We have a hard time talking to each other between my inadequate Yoruba and his trouble with my accent but I know that words aren't always needed. I love just sitting next to him and holding his hand. I delight in just that.

I began to cry as I sat there watching his one gray eye stare out longingly as we heard the words, "what can take a dying man/ raise him up to life again?/ what can heal the wounded soul/ what can make us white as snow?" It is true. The cross is so mighty. Those who cling to it are healed of their deepest wounds. They are washed and cleansed. I just kept thinking, "Jesus, if you had been here, you could have given him sight. If you say so he can see today." I waited for the Spirit to move me to faith in praying for a miracle, but it didn't come. My hearts desire in that moment was moved to remind him, "Dari, did you know that God loves you?" He didn't hear me right. "Dari, God...loves....you," I said and put my hand over his heart. He shook his head and smiled. Somehow I knew he understood.

I walked back down the dirt road to our house still with tears in my eyes, this time because of the blessings I take for granted everyday. Lord, I get to see all the things that Dari will never see. I see you at work in all of creation. I see sunsets, children, seasons, moutains, oceans, and faces. Thank you for the gift of sight. Thanksgiving continued flowing from within me.

Dari is such a special boy to me and now my once liked song by Chris is now a loved one. I won't ever be able to listen to it without vividly remembering Dari's face as he listened intently to the words "migty is the power of the cross" and understanding again that those words are true.

Sowing Generously

As stated in my last blog, the Lord has been purusing me in love to become more of a giver in many senses of the word. He used my situation I spoke on earlier, about my ring that I thought I had lost and then the Lord graciously bringing it back to me even after my selfishness earlier.

Two days ago I gave away that most prized piece of jewelry, the James Avery ring my mother had given me. If you know me intricately enough, you know I don't ever take that ring off my index finger. However, the other day my friend Alex came over and said he wanted something to remember me by and he pointed to my ring. I asked him, "Are you sure you want my ring?" and he said, "Yes, I'm very seriuos." I knew that I had to give it to him and suprisingly enough I slide it off my finger, thinking it would never fit him. He shoved it on his index finger. Even though I was given grace enough not to contend with his request, I went into my room to shed a few tears over the situation. It's hard to be like Christ to the point we start giving when it hurts, not out of over abundance, but his grace is sufficient to continue the good work he started in us. I ran to the Word for comfort and received this word from the Lord.

" Remember this: Whoever sow sparingly will also reap sparingly,
and whoever sows generoulsy will also reap generously. Each man
should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under
complusion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all
grace abound to you, so taht in all things at all times, having all that you
need, you will abound in every good work." 2 Corinthinans 9:6-9

I know that it was the Lord's divine decision for me to have to give out something precious to me as a means to transform my perspective on material possessions, about God's character in being the ultimate giver of all things and about how he wants me to be just like him. I learned a ton through the verse in James 1:5 that says the Lord gives wisdom generously without finding fault--meaning whether we appreciate it or not or say thanks or not he still is generous with us! Wow! I knew that Alex had done nothing to deserve my ring seeing as we've only known each other for 3 weeks and not very well, that he didn't understand the significance of it, that he didn't give me any thanks for it, and that he didn't cherrish it like I did. My flesh was tempted to dwell on all the reasons why he didn't deserve it but James 1:5 was the rock solid truth. God loves Alex and me and gave his life for the both of us, even when we were his enemies. We don't deserve our Saviour's love but he gives it generously; therfore as a child of God, I too must give not according to merit but because of all that I have been given. Needless to say, it has been a beautifully, hard, blessed experience. I continually repeat this quote to myself from Jim Elliott that says, "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot loose." The truth is I haven't lost anything; I've only gained a greater glimpse into the Lord's face, understanding his character and the kingdom of God more. I praise him for this. For today he's still saving me from myself, for his name's sake.

T.I.A

T.I.A- This is Africa. It's the phrase our team uses at times when we are experiencing something different, we enjoy something great about Nigeria, etc. Our experiences here have been on the one hand so extremely different than anything before, and yet on the other so familiar it feels as if we haven't left America. There are times of routine, times of laughter, times of grieving, times of spontaneity, times of teasing, times of dancing, times of praying, times of walking, times of running, times of speaking, times of listening, times of experiencing something new, times of teaching something new. All of these things are my Africa so far, which is why it is strange when I say to myself, "you're living in Africa right now." It seems surreal.

I have enjoyed myself immensely while here. It is about the halfway mark for our stay. There are so many things to say. Where do we begin to express all he's doing in us and through us. I know for me personally I am being stretched in the area of giving. I don't desire to be selfish, but I struggle with giving out of my need and not out of excess. I see the ways the Lord is pursuing me to be a giving person. I lost my favorite ring the other day and was so discouraged but realized that I was loosing something dear to me, because I wasn't eager or willing to give significant articles to girls who wanted something to remember me by. Then the other day Megan found it in her bed. I was so thankful but at the same time ultimately humbled by the Lord. I just stuck my head in my hands and sat there. He didn't have to give my ring back. His generosity was overwhelming to me. I need to be generous and giving, thinking heavenward and not close fisted around the things I cannot take with me. Please pray I would be a cheerful giver, that as the Shane and Shane song says, "Lord I know if you change my mind, you will change my heart in time," that he would change my mind and my heart about my material possessions and about the Jesus way of giving.

I laugh when I think the Lord has brought me to Africa to teach me how to give. Only the Lord plans such great things and works in ways as such. I know He loves me when I think about what he wants to do in my life and how much junk he's striving to help rid me of. Thanks be to God for the heat of Africa that He's using to burn away my impurities. This has been my Nigeria so far. This is my Africa.