Fake Hair

So yesterday I spent a couple of hours putting on attachments. Yeah, for at least a few weeks I have straight hair. Just another great adventure of trying something new. Actually this is probably one of the only times I could have done this, seeing as how expensive it is in the states. The process of weaving hair is so cool. After braiding all my hair into corn rows tightly to my scalp, they sew the weave on (fake hair) onto the braids with a needle and thread. I feel like I'm wearing a wig! It's so fun though. I felt even more Nigerian afterwords and everyone seems to agree that it looks alright. haha. Who would have thought? Lindsay says I look like Bob Marley sort of without dreads. My first thought was that I look like the Adams family wife. I don't have any way of putting up a picture yet, but when I get home you'll all get to see me in my African glory! :D

Dari

I just sat there holding his hand. My metal chair was placed right next to his and we just sat, the two of us joined by the white little earphone pieces spanning from our two ears. We listened. Chris Tomlin was singing "Mighty is the Power of the Cross." I have always loved that song ever since last summer, but now it had more meaning than ever before.

Dari is blind. I don't know if he can see a little or at all. I'm drawn to him by his sweet smile everytime I greet him. We have a hard time talking to each other between my inadequate Yoruba and his trouble with my accent but I know that words aren't always needed. I love just sitting next to him and holding his hand. I delight in just that.

I began to cry as I sat there watching his one gray eye stare out longingly as we heard the words, "what can take a dying man/ raise him up to life again?/ what can heal the wounded soul/ what can make us white as snow?" It is true. The cross is so mighty. Those who cling to it are healed of their deepest wounds. They are washed and cleansed. I just kept thinking, "Jesus, if you had been here, you could have given him sight. If you say so he can see today." I waited for the Spirit to move me to faith in praying for a miracle, but it didn't come. My hearts desire in that moment was moved to remind him, "Dari, did you know that God loves you?" He didn't hear me right. "Dari, God...loves....you," I said and put my hand over his heart. He shook his head and smiled. Somehow I knew he understood.

I walked back down the dirt road to our house still with tears in my eyes, this time because of the blessings I take for granted everyday. Lord, I get to see all the things that Dari will never see. I see you at work in all of creation. I see sunsets, children, seasons, moutains, oceans, and faces. Thank you for the gift of sight. Thanksgiving continued flowing from within me.

Dari is such a special boy to me and now my once liked song by Chris is now a loved one. I won't ever be able to listen to it without vividly remembering Dari's face as he listened intently to the words "migty is the power of the cross" and understanding again that those words are true.

Sowing Generously

As stated in my last blog, the Lord has been purusing me in love to become more of a giver in many senses of the word. He used my situation I spoke on earlier, about my ring that I thought I had lost and then the Lord graciously bringing it back to me even after my selfishness earlier.

Two days ago I gave away that most prized piece of jewelry, the James Avery ring my mother had given me. If you know me intricately enough, you know I don't ever take that ring off my index finger. However, the other day my friend Alex came over and said he wanted something to remember me by and he pointed to my ring. I asked him, "Are you sure you want my ring?" and he said, "Yes, I'm very seriuos." I knew that I had to give it to him and suprisingly enough I slide it off my finger, thinking it would never fit him. He shoved it on his index finger. Even though I was given grace enough not to contend with his request, I went into my room to shed a few tears over the situation. It's hard to be like Christ to the point we start giving when it hurts, not out of over abundance, but his grace is sufficient to continue the good work he started in us. I ran to the Word for comfort and received this word from the Lord.

" Remember this: Whoever sow sparingly will also reap sparingly,
and whoever sows generoulsy will also reap generously. Each man
should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under
complusion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all
grace abound to you, so taht in all things at all times, having all that you
need, you will abound in every good work." 2 Corinthinans 9:6-9

I know that it was the Lord's divine decision for me to have to give out something precious to me as a means to transform my perspective on material possessions, about God's character in being the ultimate giver of all things and about how he wants me to be just like him. I learned a ton through the verse in James 1:5 that says the Lord gives wisdom generously without finding fault--meaning whether we appreciate it or not or say thanks or not he still is generous with us! Wow! I knew that Alex had done nothing to deserve my ring seeing as we've only known each other for 3 weeks and not very well, that he didn't understand the significance of it, that he didn't give me any thanks for it, and that he didn't cherrish it like I did. My flesh was tempted to dwell on all the reasons why he didn't deserve it but James 1:5 was the rock solid truth. God loves Alex and me and gave his life for the both of us, even when we were his enemies. We don't deserve our Saviour's love but he gives it generously; therfore as a child of God, I too must give not according to merit but because of all that I have been given. Needless to say, it has been a beautifully, hard, blessed experience. I continually repeat this quote to myself from Jim Elliott that says, "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot loose." The truth is I haven't lost anything; I've only gained a greater glimpse into the Lord's face, understanding his character and the kingdom of God more. I praise him for this. For today he's still saving me from myself, for his name's sake.

T.I.A

T.I.A- This is Africa. It's the phrase our team uses at times when we are experiencing something different, we enjoy something great about Nigeria, etc. Our experiences here have been on the one hand so extremely different than anything before, and yet on the other so familiar it feels as if we haven't left America. There are times of routine, times of laughter, times of grieving, times of spontaneity, times of teasing, times of dancing, times of praying, times of walking, times of running, times of speaking, times of listening, times of experiencing something new, times of teaching something new. All of these things are my Africa so far, which is why it is strange when I say to myself, "you're living in Africa right now." It seems surreal.

I have enjoyed myself immensely while here. It is about the halfway mark for our stay. There are so many things to say. Where do we begin to express all he's doing in us and through us. I know for me personally I am being stretched in the area of giving. I don't desire to be selfish, but I struggle with giving out of my need and not out of excess. I see the ways the Lord is pursuing me to be a giving person. I lost my favorite ring the other day and was so discouraged but realized that I was loosing something dear to me, because I wasn't eager or willing to give significant articles to girls who wanted something to remember me by. Then the other day Megan found it in her bed. I was so thankful but at the same time ultimately humbled by the Lord. I just stuck my head in my hands and sat there. He didn't have to give my ring back. His generosity was overwhelming to me. I need to be generous and giving, thinking heavenward and not close fisted around the things I cannot take with me. Please pray I would be a cheerful giver, that as the Shane and Shane song says, "Lord I know if you change my mind, you will change my heart in time," that he would change my mind and my heart about my material possessions and about the Jesus way of giving.

I laugh when I think the Lord has brought me to Africa to teach me how to give. Only the Lord plans such great things and works in ways as such. I know He loves me when I think about what he wants to do in my life and how much junk he's striving to help rid me of. Thanks be to God for the heat of Africa that He's using to burn away my impurities. This has been my Nigeria so far. This is my Africa.

What Mom and Dad Taught Me

Today I am reminded of the gigantic blessing I have in my parents. Since Dad and I were the only ones who didn't have to go to school or work, we went and ran errands and hung out together. It's always a blessing to hangout with my dad because we have great conversations. Today was about war and a Christian's perspective on the war on Iraq. I learn a lot from talking to my dad. He is really wise and I love learning things I didn't or being challenged by his thinking. One thing my dad and I talked about today was how he raised me. I was reminded of how much of who I am is a product of them being loving enough not to give me everything I ever wanted, for being strict at times, for always loving, quick to forgive, patient, and above all seekers of the Lord. I truly believe a big part of me has come about because of my parent's trust and devotion to Jesus and by God's grace. Dad's helped me learn important things regarding financial decisions, investments, making important decisions, keeping life simple (like Dad always says, "I'm praying for good things"). It's so generic and simple but so encouraging cause he says it with a big cheesy smile.

Mom has taught me a lot too. She continually tells me, "Trust God" and reminds me of her dedication in prayer over my life. Tonight I remembered one of the most valuable lessons I learned from my mother: laughter. After watching the awesome last Rocky movie together, my mom, being mom, jumps up and starts pretending to be Rocky, jabbing in the air and picking fights with everyone in the room. The night ended in Stephen, Joel, Mom and I in a dog pile on the living room floor. Mom has to stop every now and then because she's laughing so hard she almost pees her pants! It was so fun. Mom has always been really silly and goofy. I cannot begin to count the times that I spent bursting in laughter with my mother over something she said and seeing her laugh like crazy. Late nights in the kitchen, with our family, or even in public somewhere like a restaurant. My mom has no shame in laughing and living life fully with joy. She has taught me to laugh and live life joyfully. She has taught me a lot through her life, like modesty, Godly parenting, submissiveness to husband and the Lord, and intentionality in ministry. I am grateful for her and Dad. They have not done everything perfectly and neither have I as their daughter, but I am tremendously blessed by them and want to honor and respect them.

Fighting to Be Poor?

I have been listening to Matt Chandler’s sermons on Ecclesiastes. The entire book is about Solomon expending his whole life on finding out if anything under the sun has intrinsic value. What he discovers is that all the trinkets, clothes, food, new things, etc are but a means to add something new to our humdrum and monotonous lives. That is what life is without faith. If we don’t have faith, everything is meaningless. We will all die and our stuff given away and name forgotten.

I have often lately been thinking about wealth, accumulation of stuff, and what my future lifestyle will look like. Will my life look like my parents? Will I live in a nice house in America all my life never worrying about where my next meal comes from? Will I get to have luxuries beyond necessities? Will I be poor? Will I be a sender, a missionary, or a mobliizer? All of this is hidden from me…and I believe for my benefit. Without faith it is impossible to please God and in Ecclesiastes 3 it says that we don’t know everything for a reason. I don’t know what my life will look like, but I wrestle with the thoughts of being well off. I have always had this wrong notion that being wealthy is the same as not being very spiritually mature. As if to say, if you have been given lots of money you should not own a big house, but give away all your money to people who need it and if you aren’t doing that, than you’re probably not doing what the Lord wants from you. Before you put in the air hockey table, you are, being a Christian, to give the money to something else. I struggle with thinking that being well off is a blessing, quite possibly because many Christians do use their wealth to serve themselves first. If the Lord does choose to bless me with material wealth, I pray that I do not consider it my own and to be used just for my own pleasure. I know how prone I am to wander. I know that what Matt says about us thinking we need more is a endless cycle only leading to death.

I don’t want to end up like that. But here is the kicker in what I am wrestling with now. As Solomon says in Ecclesiastes 3, we are to enjoy life. We are to enjoy it when we have more than enough food, we have health, friends, family, etc. AND we are to enjoy life when we are sick, poor, in pain, mourn, and are hurting because those are times that God has made for a season of molding us and making everything beautiful in it’s time. I don’t think having nice things is a sin. If I believed this, I would be a hypocrite. I own nice things. I have 10x over plenty. Yet, the difference from the world and a Christian containing nice things is this: that we do not hold onto them, nor seek to believe they give us any more joy in life. We must realize this. Jesus is what makes all other things good. Outside of Christ, we can have things and never get the full measure of pleasure from them. I pray God would keep me from a judgmental heart towards the wealthy; they have been given much and in return are demanded much from the Lord. I am demanded to use what I own for the sake of His name, understanding everything including life and breath are but a gift from him.

I want the Lord to break me of my attitude towards wealth. I don’t believe it is the way the Lord sees it fully. I tend to believe being poor equals holiness. This is a lie. Learning from Ecclesiastes, the Lord has ordained our days, the time period we were to live, the place, the circumstances, etc. There is nothing that he hasn’t allowed or isn’t in control of. That means, that when I feel guilty for having nice things when others in Africa have little, I am not called to resent my gifts and blessings. I am called to think of the poor and to use my wealth to help them, to have compassion, to praise God with a grateful heart for his provisions, and accept the Lord’s plan for my life. The reality is that I did not choose the life I’ve been given. Therefore, it is wrong to think the Lord didn’t know what he was doing by placing me to live in the 21st century, granting me loving parents, a functional home life, amazing friends, money in my pocket, food, clean water, a nice car, etc. I am not to feel guilty for having such things.

I think Satan wants us to feel God is the enemy of enjoyment and of good things—such is where my thoughts about holy poverty come in. He is the destroyer and the Lord is the one who brings life to all that is good. But make no mistake, there will be no life, even for the Christian, who seeks to find fulfillment or satisfaction in anything under the sun outside of his hand granting the gifts. I am not going to lie; there is something that feels so much freer at times when I don’t have anything. I think that’s why I enjoy camping, getting dirty, waking up so late that you don’t have time to care about what you look like, being sweaty and having blisters on my hands, sobbing, and having to be frugal. There’s something refreshing to my soul when I am helping, not serving myself, forgetting about myself and how I appear, and having few things to claim as my own. I don’t feel as much a slave to the ownership or feel the responsibility of ownership for things in my life. I love that feeling, even if that’s not the life the Lord had for me. I am still trying to let his ideas of wealth, prosperity, fame, fortune, nice things, luxuries seep into my heart to transform lies I’ve believed. As Solomon says though, the rich are wanting the life of the poor and the poor the life of the rich, desiring each others lifestyles. The rich think the poor have it so well because they don’t have to worry about so much and are carefree and at rest. The poor think the rich have it so easy, are relaxed get to have all the joy and pleasures life could offer and by way of wealth, life would be better. However, Solomon will say that both are meaningless. Both groups will in 60 years die and be buried and no one remember them. Both are meaningless. I am being really challenged to dwell on these thoughts, which are not easy ones to ponder: death, wealth and poverty. Which one pleases the Lord most? The Bible says without faith it is impossible to please the Lord. It is less about stuff and more about my faith in whatever his plans are for me. This is what my heart needs to believe is true. I need to believe he really wants my faith more than works.

Learner in Trusting

I know that I need grace to trust the Lord with my future. It's scary thinking about being out in the real "real world." I mean, people said that about college, but who are we kidding; college years are some of the most fun, spontaneous, free, and exhilarating times of your life. I look at December, being less than a year away and think: "this don't look fun to me," "Am I really ready for this?" I don't think I ever will be. I think I'm most afraid of not having an abundantly joy and fun filled life. I mean, I'll be living with 5 other rockin' sistas for a whole year and then BOOM! here comes real life to wack me in the face. This is my vision of the future. I need help in trusting that life can and will be abundant and full even after college is over, after I don't live with amazing girls, I'm in a new city or somewhere far off, and I don't know anyone, etc. I need to trust the Lord that His plans are good and that good doesn't mean sour, discolored, bland, dull, monotonous, etc. He can sustain joy and can provide friendships even after college is over. I fear being alone at times. I fear feeling lonely and having self pity. I know I am a learner in trusting the Lord with my future. I know that this subject must be diligently committed to him through prayer--that I would trust his timing and sequence of steps, his overall plans and his small details in my life, his pains and pleasures he brings. I was listening to a Third Day song today that says, "I must go through the valleys, to stand upon the mountain of God." I must go through the valley of not knowing or understanding how His will shall come to pass in my life and in my future. I must learn to trust that He is true to His promise to never leave nor forsake me EVER EVER EVER. When I feel alone that is false. He is always with me. No matter in sin or in step with him, he doesn't leave us. He is the faithful one. I was reading in Proverbs 15-16 this morning and the Lord showed me these verses towards trusting him with my future. Prov. 16:3 "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Prov. 16:9 " In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." I pray that for all of you reading this, that you may be able to trust in the One who set us free to trust him. For all the uncertainty in life, all unknowns, fears, failures, short comings, victories, and life to be lived and had, He alone is big enough. He alone is wise enough for us to place our confidence in His plans. He alone is strong enough to sustain us. He alone generous enough to give us abundantly more than we could ever ask or imagine. He alone is righteous enough to use for His name's sake. He alone is patient enough to bear in love with us when we fall time after time trying to learn to trust him. He alone has loving eyes for us no matter what. He alone can comfort us in our deepest times of need. He alone can satisfy our overbearing hunger for companionship and friendship. He alone can be trusted fully and completely. I pray we have eyes that set themselves above to look full in His wonderful, life giving face. I pray that I believe all the above things. I have yet to believe all of them. I have yet to be so broken and display my dependence and desperation for him by spending significant amount of time in prayer over these things. I am but a learner still as I will always be until the day I die, a learner in trusting Him.