WHITE. Surely I cannot be qualified to wear such a pure, unblemished color as this. Surely I have missed the mark, and fallen one too many times that God is now tired of being slow to anger with Amanda White. He would be justified for such thoughts and actions. His standard is holiness.
I have fallen. I have sinned and it is horrific before the eyes of the Lord. I have such arrogant, unashamed adultery within my heart. I hate that I'm not sinless, especially because of the Truth I know. I hate that I'm not strong enough and not willing enough to choose him over all things. I wrestle with my sickness. It hurts me that I don't love him enough to choose him. I hate when in a split second I get overtaken by selfishness and then I'm left broken and hurting, ashamed and feeling so disgusting. I think I often forget in those moments of choosing that he sees everything. He sees thoughts which I deem insignificant and harmless as rebellious and arrogant. He sees every second of every day. Because He's near to me, He sees it all.
I don't know why I think it will be better to choose myself over Him. He's always been and always will be most satisfying. I cry out, tears in my eyes, for the pain overwhelms me that I don't love Him like He loves me. I so desperately wish I did. I so desperately wish I wanted Him more than ANYTHING else. O God, give me a willing and wanting Spirit! Where do I go from this broken place? Do I shrug it off and say, well I'm not perfect and God will always love me? Or do I fall down on my face before Him in anguish over my wretchedness? Do I beat myself up, focusing on my failure and His disappointment? Where do we go from here?
It is in moments like this, hard moments like this, that Satan wants me to miss out on grace. He doesn't want my heart to fully trust in it for it's cleansing power. But that's what Jesus Christ's blood has done; this is the Truth: Christ died for all sin, once and for all. Final. Period. No matter how I feel or what Satan tells me. Christ has wiped away all my sin and shame. I accepted this payment when I was 8 years old. I've committed my life to the one who did this. Therefore, I am clean. Though my sins are a deep as chocolate and wine stains on a white blouse, they are forgiven by the Almighty God, who is not somewhere far away, but is sitting with me at the kitchen table. To be honest, it's really hard to feel that God wants to love you. It's hard to believe He wouldn't give up on you; because I get frustrated with my sin and myself, why shouldn't he? He has every reason and right to chastise me. Surely that's what I need in order to finally get into ship shape. Or He needs to take something away that I love or desire because of my sin, right?
The Lord led me through a vision tonight of me and him. He came behind me first and hugged me and came close to my neck and ear in a very lover kind of way. He whispered, "I love you" in a romantic voice with a hint of dreaminess in it. Then we were in a white area. My feet were black; like the deepest black you can imagine and there was no way I could get them clean. Then Jesus bent down to wipe them clean. It didn't take him any effort at all. They were cleansed now. I didn't have to cleanse my whole body; that happened at age 8. I only needed him to cleanse my feet, but it is crucial that He sat me down to do this. After this I felt I was understanding what it meant to have him breathe through me and move my body for me. I felt him closer than my skin and a wave of being swept up in Him. There was more to the vision that led me into thoughts about grace. It lasted quite awhile.
I pray God helps me embrace grace fully. As dumb as it sounds, it's hard to. I feel so wretched and gross more than feel clean. I feel beat up and defeated many times. Though I don't feel I can wear it, God puts me in white. It is what He has done. Not me. This is the reason I should be dancing undignified and in fields of grace before Him for this most puzzling love. I do wear white, but not because of my own strength or love displayed through obedience, but because God himself came down and took all of my sin on His shoulders and then rose again making me blameless and whole. Thanks to Jesus I wear white. Praise His holy name.
O Lord God, allow me to pray this honestly to you. May I really long to be in your tent forever:
I know the Lord is near to me. As I sat there, there He was like a rushing wind and powerful voice, with strong hands lifting my face, stating so firmly and fiercely yet with such care and tenderness, "Look at me. Look at me, Amanda... Look into my face; right now, turn.. towards...me. Keep your eyes on me. Look at me. " I knew I would loose the battle if I didn't look at him. I knew if I took my eyes off Him and put them on me, I was going to get hurt. So I looked. And He was peaceful, yet fearful to look at and I knew my heart was held in His hands. My insides were screaming, "Help me Lord! Help me!" I know I will make this about me. Yet He is the strongest, even more than my will and flesh. Powerfully He helped me today. Powerfully He is my refuge, a hiding place for my soul. I ran to Him, begging Him to help me. He spoke, "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me. For I am gentle and humble in heart." Then my mind raced to the conversation Courtney and I had last night: The tabernacle was made with giant white linen sheets and the tops of the posts were silver and the bottoms were bronze; the bronze represented the refinement coupled with the silver symbolizing redemption which provided the the right mix in order to enter the holy of holies. Therefore, he reminded me, I must go through refinement to enter. The spiritual act of worship for me is to offer my body as a living sacrifice to him. It is not my fleshly desire to deny myself tangible pleasure, nor is it fun to have to think cautiously through interactions, but I need to offer my self up as worship to him. This is refinement for me.
