Old Scholarship Essays

I was cleaning out my computer space and discovered these old scholarship essays I had written. I wanted somewhere to store them so I could delete them from my computer. So here they are!

I am the oldest of four children in my household so there is always a ruckus. My mom crazily put me at the head of all this mess! Don't get me wrong there are moments of pure bliss but then there are times that I wish I could just strangle my brothers and sister's neck. I have been raised to the phrase "Love thy neighbor as thy self." I guess you cannot get any more neighborly than sharing the same toothpaste, shower, space, and dirty smells, huh. Growing up with many sibilings has not been a walk in the park to say the least. Since I'm the oldest I have a role to play; my two brothers and sister look up to me. I have often wondered how I can set a good example for them when I myself am learning to cope in this world. I have no secrets to life. I am a 18-year-old girl trying to make it through high school, learning to love, and finding out in many different ways what it means to treat everyone as equals. Every move I make, every step I take, will be mirrored one day, I know, in some form or fashion. I have this terrible fear that some of my actions will catch up with me. Not to say that I have things to be ashamed of but not every wrinkle has been ironed out yet. I will try though, as hard as I can to show them what a woman of God should look like, not perfect, but fervent. Fervent to do her Heavenly Father's will, fervent to not give up and to not let bad situations get her down. I will strive to be a good example for the next generation and for my siblings who I love unconditionally.

Growing up I was always taught to strive for success in everything. No matter if it was simply cleaning the house, Mom and Dad set out to instill in their children the value of goal setting and hard work. I never understood why it was so important to strive for perfection. Couldn't we just push stuff under the bed or make things just look okay? It wasn't until my eighth grade year that I began to see the method to my parents' madness. Waiting for high school was torment enough, but adding to that was the thought of harder work and bigger kids. Getting through the first couple of days wasn't as hard as I thought, yet the work was regretfully up to par. I couldn't have survived without my loving parents by my side. Dad helped me with math and geometry while Mom helped with history and English. My gratitude to them is immeasurable, because they are the ones who got me through and pushed me to succeed in every aspect of my life, showing me why you had to work hard for achievement. Besides academics, athletics was important to me as well. For being such a tall and lanky girl, I was afraid of not doing so well in the athletic field; however, Mom and Dad were again right there rooting me on to letter in three Varsity sports.

Around my junior year my parents began to question me about college. I was taken back by how soon this decision had snuck up on me. Of course I had thought about college, but now it was scary visualizing me—all alone, somewhere far away, and all that stress and work piled on! To ease my pain, I started bombarding my parents for answers about what college was like—was it fun?, scary?, was there a lot of work involved? Their answer was yes to all of them; however, I didn't feel terrified any longer, for something inside of me told me to remember that if my parents had gone ahead of me and survived, than I would too. The impact that their support had on me throughout high school gave me enough reason to trust them, allowing them to guide me into the next step of my education. In fact, they have excited me so much about being a woman of knowledge that I cannot wait till I am on my own proving myself to my fellow peers and home town. I am also excited about attending A&M due to my parents' passion for education and tradition that I know also exists at College Station. They have taught me so much over the years that I will never forget and use everyday in college like: determination, perseverance, time management, and goal setting. I will especially not forget their pursuit to give me deep educational roots and their persistent help and love throughout my life.

Engagement

As of last night on November 11th at 11:11, I am promised to be married to Andrew Tyler LeJeune. I am so thankful for this man. He is such a treasure to behold. His faith and love for the Lord bring such warmth to my heart. He challenges me deeply in my belief in the Lord. I am so excited to spend all my days on earth next to his side as we chase after the Father's renown. I pray the Lord continues to receive glory forevermore through our love for one another.

There is a lot I feel I have yet to learn about love. I know it will be a life long discovery of what it means to truly love people. I thank God for the opportunity to understand and know His character in a unique and beautiful way because of Andrew's love and care. I am excited about being his wife. I know all my dreams, visions, and delights will be safe under his leadership because of his deep passion to follow the Savior.

Thanks be to God for delighting my heart! He is the giver of all that is more than I could ever have asked for or imagined. I am so thankful. I am thankful for our beloved friends who were there to help make my engagement night glorious and Christ centered. I love you all very much! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

My cup runneth over. It is so full. So many blessings that my heart cannot even contain. The Lord's wisdom surpasses all understanding. He is a wise King. The Lover of my soul has kissed me with a thousand kisses. He is a sweet lover and knows what I desire. Thank you dear sweet Jesus. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you. I love Andrew.

Delight

My life looks nothing like I ever imagined it would. I can honestly say I feel strange living in my own skin at times. The longings of my heart are overwhelming. The sense of how much I need to trust devastating. So many unknowns. So many big possibilities. So much to hope for. The main one: becoming more like Christ Jesus. My vocabulary is shot for how to express myself, even to the Lord. It's a good thing we can just sit together and I don't ever have to talk for him to understand me. There is nothing more that I want than to delight myself in the Lord all the days of my life. I crave peace with every step. I long to be delighted by Him in so many ways. I want to fall in love with Him with every good thing that delights my heart.

A Prayer for Today

O Lord God, allow me to pray this honestly to you. May I really long to be in your tent forever:

From the ends of the earth I call to you,

I call as my heart grows faint;

lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

For you have been my refuge,

a strong tower against the foe.

I long to dwell in your tent forever

and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.

Selah

Psalm 61: 2-4

Wearing White

WHITE. Surely I cannot be qualified to wear such a pure, unblemished color as this. Surely I have missed the mark, and fallen one too many times that God is now tired of being slow to anger with Amanda White. He would be justified for such thoughts and actions. His standard is holiness.

I have fallen. I have sinned and it is horrific before the eyes of the Lord. I have such arrogant, unashamed adultery within my heart. I hate that I'm not sinless, especially because of the Truth I know. I hate that I'm not strong enough and not willing enough to choose him over all things. I wrestle with my sickness. It hurts me that I don't love him enough to choose him. I hate when in a split second I get overtaken by selfishness and then I'm left broken and hurting, ashamed and feeling so disgusting. I think I often forget in those moments of choosing that he sees everything. He sees thoughts which I deem insignificant and harmless as rebellious and arrogant. He sees every second of every day. Because He's near to me, He sees it all.

I don't know why I think it will be better to choose myself over Him. He's always been and always will be most satisfying. I cry out, tears in my eyes, for the pain overwhelms me that I don't love Him like He loves me. I so desperately wish I did. I so desperately wish I wanted Him more than ANYTHING else. O God, give me a willing and wanting Spirit! Where do I go from this broken place? Do I shrug it off and say, well I'm not perfect and God will always love me? Or do I fall down on my face before Him in anguish over my wretchedness? Do I beat myself up, focusing on my failure and His disappointment? Where do we go from here?

It is in moments like this, hard moments like this, that Satan wants me to miss out on grace. He doesn't want my heart to fully trust in it for it's cleansing power. But that's what Jesus Christ's blood has done; this is the Truth: Christ died for all sin, once and for all. Final. Period. No matter how I feel or what Satan tells me. Christ has wiped away all my sin and shame. I accepted this payment when I was 8 years old. I've committed my life to the one who did this. Therefore, I am clean. Though my sins are a deep as chocolate and wine stains on a white blouse, they are forgiven by the Almighty God, who is not somewhere far away, but is sitting with me at the kitchen table. To be honest, it's really hard to feel that God wants to love you. It's hard to believe He wouldn't give up on you; because I get frustrated with my sin and myself, why shouldn't he? He has every reason and right to chastise me. Surely that's what I need in order to finally get into ship shape. Or He needs to take something away that I love or desire because of my sin, right?


The Lord led me through a vision tonight of me and him. He came behind me first and hugged me and came close to my neck and ear in a very lover kind of way. He whispered, "I love you" in a romantic voice with a hint of dreaminess in it. Then we were in a white area. My feet were black; like the deepest black you can imagine and there was no way I could get them clean. Then Jesus bent down to wipe them clean. It didn't take him any effort at all. They were cleansed now. I didn't have to cleanse my whole body; that happened at age 8. I only needed him to cleanse my feet, but it is crucial that He sat me down to do this. After this I felt I was understanding what it meant to have him breathe through me and move my body for me. I felt him closer than my skin and a wave of being swept up in Him. There was more to the vision that led me into thoughts about grace. It lasted quite awhile.

I pray God helps me embrace grace fully. As dumb as it sounds, it's hard to. I feel so wretched and gross more than feel clean. I feel beat up and defeated many times. Though I don't feel I can wear it, God puts me in white. It is what He has done. Not me. This is the reason I should be dancing undignified and in fields of grace before Him for this most puzzling love. I do wear white, but not because of my own strength or love displayed through obedience, but because God himself came down and took all of my sin on His shoulders and then rose again making me blameless and whole. Thanks to Jesus I wear white. Praise His holy name.

Halleljuah! We Are On Our Way to God

I know the Lord is near to me. As I sat there, there He was like a rushing wind and powerful voice, with strong hands lifting my face, stating so firmly and fiercely yet with such care and tenderness, "Look at me. Look at me, Amanda... Look into my face; right now, turn.. towards...me. Keep your eyes on me. Look at me. " I knew I would loose the battle if I didn't look at him. I knew if I took my eyes off Him and put them on me, I was going to get hurt. So I looked. And He was peaceful, yet fearful to look at and I knew my heart was held in His hands. My insides were screaming, "Help me Lord! Help me!" I know I will make this about me. Yet He is the strongest, even more than my will and flesh. Powerfully He helped me today. Powerfully He is my refuge, a hiding place for my soul. I ran to Him, begging Him to help me. He spoke, "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me. For I am gentle and humble in heart." Then my mind raced to the conversation Courtney and I had last night: The tabernacle was made with giant white linen sheets and the tops of the posts were silver and the bottoms were bronze; the bronze represented the refinement coupled with the silver symbolizing redemption which provided the the right mix in order to enter the holy of holies. Therefore, he reminded me, I must go through refinement to enter. The spiritual act of worship for me is to offer my body as a living sacrifice to him. It is not my fleshly desire to deny myself tangible pleasure, nor is it fun to have to think cautiously through interactions, but I need to offer my self up as worship to him. This is refinement for me.

I was and am quieted by the impacts of our sin. Though we are forgiven and given grace by our Lord, scares and consequences are not deleted. It is in view of God's mercy that I must offer my body as a living sacrifice. Because he rescued me from horrible things of my past, shameful things, sinful acts, I must be disciplined now, shielded now, sprint to Him now, and sacrifice now. He saved me and now He will be my counselor. He will train and teach. He will ask me to learn from Him in the areas which were disasterous for my soul, which will require sacrifice. In view of His mercy, it will be pleasurable. In view of His love, it will be glorious.

Surrounded by hope and peace. He's near me. He loves us. I am sure of those things. My heart is in the hands of the King. And there is peace when starring into His face. Honestly, I just wanted to go to Heaven. I saw as I looked into His eyes that he was going to be refining me today, but I so desperately wanted to be with Him right then and there. I knew it would be safe with Him. My heart knows I will be secure in Him, when my eyes are seeking Him first. O Lord, let me trust you to be my portion forever. His peace is intoxicating and like a drug, addicting. I want this my whole life. Never leave me Lord I pray. Uphold me by your right hand. It is strong. Halleljuah!! We are on our way to God. Praise His holy hand. Praise His blessed face. All who gather at His feet bow low before Him for He alone is worthy.

Recent Happenings

I feel I haven't shared much on my blog in a while and wanted to add some updates on it for anyone who desires to see what's going on in my life.

Several beautiful blessings that God has given to me as of late:

• A beautiful hearted man to begin to know and walk with, whose passion is Jesus Christ to be known in all the world. The love of his life is Jesus Christ. He is super goofy and I love hanging out with him. He makes Jesus more beautiful as I watch his walk with the Master. I am thankful for his friendship.
• A house filled with God-fearing women. They love the Lord, love serving him, are caring, sharing, and kind hearted. I'm so thankful for each one of them and how unique they are in the Body.
  
• A wonderful job!! I'm so thankful I get to stand outside for hours, encouraged to pray, talk with other staff about the Lord and learn how to love them well, and to see him sustain me even though it's physically exhausting at times.
  
• Teaching 3rd and 4th grade girls at Pioneers! I have a great time learning to teach children the Word. It's challenging but good. I need patience and understanding on how to teach them well as they begin to learn biblical truths.
  
• Meetings with ladies! I get to meet with Miriela still this year and we will be going through a chronological study of the Bible. I'm excited to see how God reveals himself to her and to watch how he draws her heart nearer to him. She is a precious and special friend. I also get to meet with Joelle once a week and talk about life and encourage her. She blesses me a lot. I can't wait to see what God does in her life.
  
• A new journey that is heading me towards major change: graduation and the "real world." I know that the Lord has already gone before me and prepared exactly what he desires for me. I pray I would walk hand in hand with him actively seeking His direction and guidance.

I read this verse the other day and I love it: "As they make music they will sing,
"All my fountains are in you." Psalm 87:7

I desire for all my fountains that satisfy me to be in Christ alone. He alone is worthy to receive my heart completely. I pray he gushes in every area of my life.

Do I really believe you Lord?

If this is really what I say it is, this thing called amazing grace, then why am I scared at the thought of standing up in a store and proclaiming Christ to on lookers? If I believe Jesus when he says that his blood cleanses every sin and for every person, why do I still love my sin and hate giving it up deep inside? I'm frustrated with my own lack of faith. The more I press into Christ the more I realize I have nothing to offer back to him. Even when I try to pursue righteousness, I become self-righteous so many times. I feel like a fake and a phony. I want faith to match the level of grace I've received. Lord, grant me a willing and steadfast spirit of faith that tells of your greatness amongst all people. Every time I begin to look at my own lack of faith, you remind me of where my hope comes from. My hope is the Sovereign Lord: Jesus Christ. Psalm 39:7 says, "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you. " When I look around at my own abilities I have to say, "what do I look for? I don't have anything to give you! All I have is you. You are my only hope for becoming like you. I need you to love you!" I am grateful and still frustrated. I want faith Father! Give me faith!

Fake Hair

So yesterday I spent a couple of hours putting on attachments. Yeah, for at least a few weeks I have straight hair. Just another great adventure of trying something new. Actually this is probably one of the only times I could have done this, seeing as how expensive it is in the states. The process of weaving hair is so cool. After braiding all my hair into corn rows tightly to my scalp, they sew the weave on (fake hair) onto the braids with a needle and thread. I feel like I'm wearing a wig! It's so fun though. I felt even more Nigerian afterwords and everyone seems to agree that it looks alright. haha. Who would have thought? Lindsay says I look like Bob Marley sort of without dreads. My first thought was that I look like the Adams family wife. I don't have any way of putting up a picture yet, but when I get home you'll all get to see me in my African glory! :D

Dari

I just sat there holding his hand. My metal chair was placed right next to his and we just sat, the two of us joined by the white little earphone pieces spanning from our two ears. We listened. Chris Tomlin was singing "Mighty is the Power of the Cross." I have always loved that song ever since last summer, but now it had more meaning than ever before.

Dari is blind. I don't know if he can see a little or at all. I'm drawn to him by his sweet smile everytime I greet him. We have a hard time talking to each other between my inadequate Yoruba and his trouble with my accent but I know that words aren't always needed. I love just sitting next to him and holding his hand. I delight in just that.

I began to cry as I sat there watching his one gray eye stare out longingly as we heard the words, "what can take a dying man/ raise him up to life again?/ what can heal the wounded soul/ what can make us white as snow?" It is true. The cross is so mighty. Those who cling to it are healed of their deepest wounds. They are washed and cleansed. I just kept thinking, "Jesus, if you had been here, you could have given him sight. If you say so he can see today." I waited for the Spirit to move me to faith in praying for a miracle, but it didn't come. My hearts desire in that moment was moved to remind him, "Dari, did you know that God loves you?" He didn't hear me right. "Dari, God...loves....you," I said and put my hand over his heart. He shook his head and smiled. Somehow I knew he understood.

I walked back down the dirt road to our house still with tears in my eyes, this time because of the blessings I take for granted everyday. Lord, I get to see all the things that Dari will never see. I see you at work in all of creation. I see sunsets, children, seasons, moutains, oceans, and faces. Thank you for the gift of sight. Thanksgiving continued flowing from within me.

Dari is such a special boy to me and now my once liked song by Chris is now a loved one. I won't ever be able to listen to it without vividly remembering Dari's face as he listened intently to the words "migty is the power of the cross" and understanding again that those words are true.

Sowing Generously

As stated in my last blog, the Lord has been purusing me in love to become more of a giver in many senses of the word. He used my situation I spoke on earlier, about my ring that I thought I had lost and then the Lord graciously bringing it back to me even after my selfishness earlier.

Two days ago I gave away that most prized piece of jewelry, the James Avery ring my mother had given me. If you know me intricately enough, you know I don't ever take that ring off my index finger. However, the other day my friend Alex came over and said he wanted something to remember me by and he pointed to my ring. I asked him, "Are you sure you want my ring?" and he said, "Yes, I'm very seriuos." I knew that I had to give it to him and suprisingly enough I slide it off my finger, thinking it would never fit him. He shoved it on his index finger. Even though I was given grace enough not to contend with his request, I went into my room to shed a few tears over the situation. It's hard to be like Christ to the point we start giving when it hurts, not out of over abundance, but his grace is sufficient to continue the good work he started in us. I ran to the Word for comfort and received this word from the Lord.

" Remember this: Whoever sow sparingly will also reap sparingly,
and whoever sows generoulsy will also reap generously. Each man
should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under
complusion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all
grace abound to you, so taht in all things at all times, having all that you
need, you will abound in every good work." 2 Corinthinans 9:6-9

I know that it was the Lord's divine decision for me to have to give out something precious to me as a means to transform my perspective on material possessions, about God's character in being the ultimate giver of all things and about how he wants me to be just like him. I learned a ton through the verse in James 1:5 that says the Lord gives wisdom generously without finding fault--meaning whether we appreciate it or not or say thanks or not he still is generous with us! Wow! I knew that Alex had done nothing to deserve my ring seeing as we've only known each other for 3 weeks and not very well, that he didn't understand the significance of it, that he didn't give me any thanks for it, and that he didn't cherrish it like I did. My flesh was tempted to dwell on all the reasons why he didn't deserve it but James 1:5 was the rock solid truth. God loves Alex and me and gave his life for the both of us, even when we were his enemies. We don't deserve our Saviour's love but he gives it generously; therfore as a child of God, I too must give not according to merit but because of all that I have been given. Needless to say, it has been a beautifully, hard, blessed experience. I continually repeat this quote to myself from Jim Elliott that says, "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot loose." The truth is I haven't lost anything; I've only gained a greater glimpse into the Lord's face, understanding his character and the kingdom of God more. I praise him for this. For today he's still saving me from myself, for his name's sake.

T.I.A

T.I.A- This is Africa. It's the phrase our team uses at times when we are experiencing something different, we enjoy something great about Nigeria, etc. Our experiences here have been on the one hand so extremely different than anything before, and yet on the other so familiar it feels as if we haven't left America. There are times of routine, times of laughter, times of grieving, times of spontaneity, times of teasing, times of dancing, times of praying, times of walking, times of running, times of speaking, times of listening, times of experiencing something new, times of teaching something new. All of these things are my Africa so far, which is why it is strange when I say to myself, "you're living in Africa right now." It seems surreal.

I have enjoyed myself immensely while here. It is about the halfway mark for our stay. There are so many things to say. Where do we begin to express all he's doing in us and through us. I know for me personally I am being stretched in the area of giving. I don't desire to be selfish, but I struggle with giving out of my need and not out of excess. I see the ways the Lord is pursuing me to be a giving person. I lost my favorite ring the other day and was so discouraged but realized that I was loosing something dear to me, because I wasn't eager or willing to give significant articles to girls who wanted something to remember me by. Then the other day Megan found it in her bed. I was so thankful but at the same time ultimately humbled by the Lord. I just stuck my head in my hands and sat there. He didn't have to give my ring back. His generosity was overwhelming to me. I need to be generous and giving, thinking heavenward and not close fisted around the things I cannot take with me. Please pray I would be a cheerful giver, that as the Shane and Shane song says, "Lord I know if you change my mind, you will change my heart in time," that he would change my mind and my heart about my material possessions and about the Jesus way of giving.

I laugh when I think the Lord has brought me to Africa to teach me how to give. Only the Lord plans such great things and works in ways as such. I know He loves me when I think about what he wants to do in my life and how much junk he's striving to help rid me of. Thanks be to God for the heat of Africa that He's using to burn away my impurities. This has been my Nigeria so far. This is my Africa.

What Mom and Dad Taught Me

Today I am reminded of the gigantic blessing I have in my parents. Since Dad and I were the only ones who didn't have to go to school or work, we went and ran errands and hung out together. It's always a blessing to hangout with my dad because we have great conversations. Today was about war and a Christian's perspective on the war on Iraq. I learn a lot from talking to my dad. He is really wise and I love learning things I didn't or being challenged by his thinking. One thing my dad and I talked about today was how he raised me. I was reminded of how much of who I am is a product of them being loving enough not to give me everything I ever wanted, for being strict at times, for always loving, quick to forgive, patient, and above all seekers of the Lord. I truly believe a big part of me has come about because of my parent's trust and devotion to Jesus and by God's grace. Dad's helped me learn important things regarding financial decisions, investments, making important decisions, keeping life simple (like Dad always says, "I'm praying for good things"). It's so generic and simple but so encouraging cause he says it with a big cheesy smile.

Mom has taught me a lot too. She continually tells me, "Trust God" and reminds me of her dedication in prayer over my life. Tonight I remembered one of the most valuable lessons I learned from my mother: laughter. After watching the awesome last Rocky movie together, my mom, being mom, jumps up and starts pretending to be Rocky, jabbing in the air and picking fights with everyone in the room. The night ended in Stephen, Joel, Mom and I in a dog pile on the living room floor. Mom has to stop every now and then because she's laughing so hard she almost pees her pants! It was so fun. Mom has always been really silly and goofy. I cannot begin to count the times that I spent bursting in laughter with my mother over something she said and seeing her laugh like crazy. Late nights in the kitchen, with our family, or even in public somewhere like a restaurant. My mom has no shame in laughing and living life fully with joy. She has taught me to laugh and live life joyfully. She has taught me a lot through her life, like modesty, Godly parenting, submissiveness to husband and the Lord, and intentionality in ministry. I am grateful for her and Dad. They have not done everything perfectly and neither have I as their daughter, but I am tremendously blessed by them and want to honor and respect them.

Fighting to Be Poor?

I have been listening to Matt Chandler’s sermons on Ecclesiastes. The entire book is about Solomon expending his whole life on finding out if anything under the sun has intrinsic value. What he discovers is that all the trinkets, clothes, food, new things, etc are but a means to add something new to our humdrum and monotonous lives. That is what life is without faith. If we don’t have faith, everything is meaningless. We will all die and our stuff given away and name forgotten.

I have often lately been thinking about wealth, accumulation of stuff, and what my future lifestyle will look like. Will my life look like my parents? Will I live in a nice house in America all my life never worrying about where my next meal comes from? Will I get to have luxuries beyond necessities? Will I be poor? Will I be a sender, a missionary, or a mobliizer? All of this is hidden from me…and I believe for my benefit. Without faith it is impossible to please God and in Ecclesiastes 3 it says that we don’t know everything for a reason. I don’t know what my life will look like, but I wrestle with the thoughts of being well off. I have always had this wrong notion that being wealthy is the same as not being very spiritually mature. As if to say, if you have been given lots of money you should not own a big house, but give away all your money to people who need it and if you aren’t doing that, than you’re probably not doing what the Lord wants from you. Before you put in the air hockey table, you are, being a Christian, to give the money to something else. I struggle with thinking that being well off is a blessing, quite possibly because many Christians do use their wealth to serve themselves first. If the Lord does choose to bless me with material wealth, I pray that I do not consider it my own and to be used just for my own pleasure. I know how prone I am to wander. I know that what Matt says about us thinking we need more is a endless cycle only leading to death.

I don’t want to end up like that. But here is the kicker in what I am wrestling with now. As Solomon says in Ecclesiastes 3, we are to enjoy life. We are to enjoy it when we have more than enough food, we have health, friends, family, etc. AND we are to enjoy life when we are sick, poor, in pain, mourn, and are hurting because those are times that God has made for a season of molding us and making everything beautiful in it’s time. I don’t think having nice things is a sin. If I believed this, I would be a hypocrite. I own nice things. I have 10x over plenty. Yet, the difference from the world and a Christian containing nice things is this: that we do not hold onto them, nor seek to believe they give us any more joy in life. We must realize this. Jesus is what makes all other things good. Outside of Christ, we can have things and never get the full measure of pleasure from them. I pray God would keep me from a judgmental heart towards the wealthy; they have been given much and in return are demanded much from the Lord. I am demanded to use what I own for the sake of His name, understanding everything including life and breath are but a gift from him.

I want the Lord to break me of my attitude towards wealth. I don’t believe it is the way the Lord sees it fully. I tend to believe being poor equals holiness. This is a lie. Learning from Ecclesiastes, the Lord has ordained our days, the time period we were to live, the place, the circumstances, etc. There is nothing that he hasn’t allowed or isn’t in control of. That means, that when I feel guilty for having nice things when others in Africa have little, I am not called to resent my gifts and blessings. I am called to think of the poor and to use my wealth to help them, to have compassion, to praise God with a grateful heart for his provisions, and accept the Lord’s plan for my life. The reality is that I did not choose the life I’ve been given. Therefore, it is wrong to think the Lord didn’t know what he was doing by placing me to live in the 21st century, granting me loving parents, a functional home life, amazing friends, money in my pocket, food, clean water, a nice car, etc. I am not to feel guilty for having such things.

I think Satan wants us to feel God is the enemy of enjoyment and of good things—such is where my thoughts about holy poverty come in. He is the destroyer and the Lord is the one who brings life to all that is good. But make no mistake, there will be no life, even for the Christian, who seeks to find fulfillment or satisfaction in anything under the sun outside of his hand granting the gifts. I am not going to lie; there is something that feels so much freer at times when I don’t have anything. I think that’s why I enjoy camping, getting dirty, waking up so late that you don’t have time to care about what you look like, being sweaty and having blisters on my hands, sobbing, and having to be frugal. There’s something refreshing to my soul when I am helping, not serving myself, forgetting about myself and how I appear, and having few things to claim as my own. I don’t feel as much a slave to the ownership or feel the responsibility of ownership for things in my life. I love that feeling, even if that’s not the life the Lord had for me. I am still trying to let his ideas of wealth, prosperity, fame, fortune, nice things, luxuries seep into my heart to transform lies I’ve believed. As Solomon says though, the rich are wanting the life of the poor and the poor the life of the rich, desiring each others lifestyles. The rich think the poor have it so well because they don’t have to worry about so much and are carefree and at rest. The poor think the rich have it so easy, are relaxed get to have all the joy and pleasures life could offer and by way of wealth, life would be better. However, Solomon will say that both are meaningless. Both groups will in 60 years die and be buried and no one remember them. Both are meaningless. I am being really challenged to dwell on these thoughts, which are not easy ones to ponder: death, wealth and poverty. Which one pleases the Lord most? The Bible says without faith it is impossible to please the Lord. It is less about stuff and more about my faith in whatever his plans are for me. This is what my heart needs to believe is true. I need to believe he really wants my faith more than works.

Learner in Trusting

I know that I need grace to trust the Lord with my future. It's scary thinking about being out in the real "real world." I mean, people said that about college, but who are we kidding; college years are some of the most fun, spontaneous, free, and exhilarating times of your life. I look at December, being less than a year away and think: "this don't look fun to me," "Am I really ready for this?" I don't think I ever will be. I think I'm most afraid of not having an abundantly joy and fun filled life. I mean, I'll be living with 5 other rockin' sistas for a whole year and then BOOM! here comes real life to wack me in the face. This is my vision of the future. I need help in trusting that life can and will be abundant and full even after college is over, after I don't live with amazing girls, I'm in a new city or somewhere far off, and I don't know anyone, etc. I need to trust the Lord that His plans are good and that good doesn't mean sour, discolored, bland, dull, monotonous, etc. He can sustain joy and can provide friendships even after college is over. I fear being alone at times. I fear feeling lonely and having self pity. I know I am a learner in trusting the Lord with my future. I know that this subject must be diligently committed to him through prayer--that I would trust his timing and sequence of steps, his overall plans and his small details in my life, his pains and pleasures he brings. I was listening to a Third Day song today that says, "I must go through the valleys, to stand upon the mountain of God." I must go through the valley of not knowing or understanding how His will shall come to pass in my life and in my future. I must learn to trust that He is true to His promise to never leave nor forsake me EVER EVER EVER. When I feel alone that is false. He is always with me. No matter in sin or in step with him, he doesn't leave us. He is the faithful one. I was reading in Proverbs 15-16 this morning and the Lord showed me these verses towards trusting him with my future. Prov. 16:3 "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Prov. 16:9 " In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." I pray that for all of you reading this, that you may be able to trust in the One who set us free to trust him. For all the uncertainty in life, all unknowns, fears, failures, short comings, victories, and life to be lived and had, He alone is big enough. He alone is wise enough for us to place our confidence in His plans. He alone is strong enough to sustain us. He alone generous enough to give us abundantly more than we could ever ask or imagine. He alone is righteous enough to use for His name's sake. He alone is patient enough to bear in love with us when we fall time after time trying to learn to trust him. He alone has loving eyes for us no matter what. He alone can comfort us in our deepest times of need. He alone can satisfy our overbearing hunger for companionship and friendship. He alone can be trusted fully and completely. I pray we have eyes that set themselves above to look full in His wonderful, life giving face. I pray that I believe all the above things. I have yet to believe all of them. I have yet to be so broken and display my dependence and desperation for him by spending significant amount of time in prayer over these things. I am but a learner still as I will always be until the day I die, a learner in trusting Him.

A Day from the Throne Room

Today has been a sweet day. Not only was I basking in the Lord's ability to make gorgeous days like today, but basking in His goodness. He is the only one worthy to be called good. I spent last night hanging out with wonderful ladies such as Kyndall Rutherford, Kim Sarmiento, and Ashley Norville. So good to learn how to live as a woman of the Lord with them and how gracious the Lord has been to all of us. We can testify! I am grateful for the blessing of the body speaking what truth the Lord has revealed to them and passing on to me. It is good to live life together and spur one another on towards holiness.

• "Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil." Ephesians 5:15-16

• " Blessed is the man who finds wisdom,
  the man who gains understanding,

  for she is more profitable than silver
  and yields better returns than gold.

  She is more precious than rubies;
  nothing you desire can compare with her.

  Long life is in her right hand;
  in her left hand are riches and honor.

  Her ways are pleasant ways,
  and all her paths are peace.

  She is a tree of life to those who embrace her;
  those who lay hold of her will be blessed." Proverbs 3: 13-18

It is good to live in the wisdom of the Lord and not that of the world's wisdom. A little earlier on in Proverbs 3 there is a verse that says we are to trust the Lord with all our hearts and to lean not on our own understanding but to lean on the Lord's wisdom. Live wisely, but not in what the world says is wise but in the Lord's wisdom. Know matter how much I do or don't understand about what the Lord is up to or why I'm experiencing the things I am at the moment. He is still good and worthy of my whole heart and trust. His ways are ALWAYS higher than mine. His wisdom more infinite than I will ever comprehend. Now that's a god I can trust: a wise King.

Kyndall had an amazing day with a downpour of the Lord's mercy and love over her activities and it was so sweet to rejoice with her in what the Lord is doing! I was rejoicing of what the Lord is doing in my own life and what he is doing in others: making his kingdom come here on earth in every heart. For that, I love my Saviour more and more. The day was beautiful because he allowed it to be and his blessings of peace, love, assurance, grace, mercy, fullness, and abundant life overflowed from the throne room today.

First Blog

I call my blog Spices of Life because there are so many different experiences and lessons, flavors you could say, that produce the full aroma of my life. Not only that, but I like spices...they make food taste good. I long for the spice of Jesus Christ to permeate everything I do.

This feels kinda strange...thinking that someone would read what you have to say about life. I don't have many answers to questions, but I do enjoy sharing the refining process over my life. The Lord has done a great many miracles as he saves me each and everyday. I wish to share my life with you.